Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
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I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
We found love in a hopeless place.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.