Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
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Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.