The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
You Might Also Like
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Why soy sad?
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.