[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
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Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
okay run it by me one more time
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”