I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
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Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.