Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
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Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.