Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
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Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.