a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
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I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
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Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.