I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
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For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready