[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
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I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
mumsnet is amazing
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
We need more people like this.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I only treason on days ending in y
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!