Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
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I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Just so funny
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”