I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
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Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.