Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
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I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I’m giving up for Lent.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?