When you can’t find your friend Neil
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If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.