*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
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Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.