Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
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It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.