My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
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[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Fiction has to make sense.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
went fishing caught a bass
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today