I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
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I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.