It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
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My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Rt to bother an English speaker
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
everyone’s a critic
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.