[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
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Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something