What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
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Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.