*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
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An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?