[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
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[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.