This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
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You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
same vibe as tangled headphones
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.