Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
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Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap