Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
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A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Pringles
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …