If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
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Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Me My dog
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I have so many questions.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head