HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
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My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.