SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
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I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.