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My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now