Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
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I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
A short story of betrayal:
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great