Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
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I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime