I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
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My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney