What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
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Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.