I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
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“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada