Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

buying dead houseplants to save time

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…