hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
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A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
what are they serving at kfc then???
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler