Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
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If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
crochet youtube is brutal
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
The Compass
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.