1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
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Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Ugh
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it