The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
You Might Also Like
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?