[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
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ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.