My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
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Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
uncle dave has been through hell
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”