#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
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I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her