Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
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20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.