murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
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I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”