Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
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I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.