I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
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Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I hate when that happens.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”