[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
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I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
oh my gosh!!
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.