If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
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my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.