never ask a starfish for directions
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Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa